I am Jean Dorff, and was sexual abused from the age of 7 by close family members. As young as I was, I knew that something terribly wrong was done to me. I became very inwards focused and started to create walls around me that only a few could see and come through. On the outside, I appeared to be a happy and joyous child but on the inside I was afraid, I was angry and felt pain physical and emotional.
I developed a shame about myself and my sexuality and I hated my abusers. I hated the world I lived in. At the age of 17 I felt so much hate that I didn’t wanted to go on. My life started to fall apart and I could have easily chosen a path of self-destruction, something that some of my siblings did dealing with the same stuff, but I did not. I found forgiveness, although I don’t even know how, I believe it was Devine Intervention. I concentrated myself on martial arts and solving the mysteries of the ‘Why’ of life.
I would love to tell you that from this point all problems were over, but I think you already know that that was not the case. So often I got overwhelmed by the memories of my abuse, triggered by simple daily events. I struggled to keep intimate relationships or being intimate all together. I escaped in work, social media, sports and travel. I tried to escape from everything. Running away was sometimes the only way for me to deal with normal life. I so often neglected the people around me including my own family. I even had fear that, I as an abuse victim, I would become an abuser myself. This circle of shame, fear, loneliness and mistrust had to be broken. It simply had to, If not for me then for my family.
I discovered a passion for dance. It kept me sane and perhaps even made me sane in the end. I felt most alive when I danced and I still do.
THE END OF MY STRUGGLE AND A NEW BEGINNING
For years now, I am healed, healed from the sexual abuse, but may be more so healed from the aftermath. The memories and scars are still there and I sometimes wish they were gone too, but then again, they remind me that I was victorious in my battle, that I found my inner strength and passion. I now live a thriving life on the terms I want.
I started to walk back on the path of abuse and felt that I could help people who were still on that path. My life experiences, my training as martial artist, dance teacher and coach equipped me to help other sexual abuse victims to move forward away from that path, onto a new path of light, empowerment, healing and joy. A path on which they can walk confidently in a body that feels comfortable again, with a mind that is confident to take on new challenges and opportunities. And when the flashback of the abuse get triggered and want to pull them back on that dark path, then I support them how to cope with that too.
I hope that the scars of what I’ve been through become the healing of others.
Out of: Broken Silence: Living with Passion and Purpose after Sexual Abuse, A Dancer’s Story